TIME TO PLAY SOME OBLIVION MOTHERFUCKERS.

So I was looking through my XBOXHUEG external hard-drive for the Deus Ex install files, and I came upon The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. And if there's one game that I like more than Deus Ex, it's Oblivion. SO HERE WE GO.

Having lost all my save files in the past, here's my new character, son of my original Argonian warrior, Facekick McDickpunch.



Things are already off to a great fucking start, as I'm in a jail.



And what's worse, I'm stuck in a jail with THIS asshole.



Punching the cell door was ineffective and I had to keep listening to his shit.




Before long though, a bunch of guards come down and were all like 'HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE.' Having no idea myself, I desperately looked for the 'shrug' command.



Evidently the old man in the pimp robe they're rolling with is the fucking Emperor of the Everything or some shit. And he recognizes me. That must've been some fucking party last night.



And then it got a little awkward.




I didn't take pictures of the text, but anyway, this is pretty much what he said. 'All my sons are dead, and assassins are coming to get me, so my personal bodyguards are trying to get my old ass out of the city even though I know I'm going to die today which I am not too jazzed about frankly. But you are the one who will bring balance to the Force.' Fuck all if I knew what he was talking about, but one of the guards pushed a brick and a secret door opened. Sure wish someone had told me about that BEFORE I had to listen to some old guy babble.



No sooner had we walked into the dimly lit tunnels, we were attacked by a bunch of assholes with creepy red armor. Unfortunately, the armor disappeared when they died, leaving only a garish red robe and hood behind. However, as I was in pretty much nothing but the medieval equivalent of county blues, I figured beggars couldn't be choosers.




However, I noticed that one of the Blades had gotten his ass kicked, so I looted the armor off of his body. Now THAT'S more like it.



SUDDENLY RATS! TWO OF THEM!



After dealing with the rodent infestation, I attempted to follow the surviving Blades and the Emperor. This proved unsuccessful AS THE FUCKERS LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.



Luckily, there was a hole in the wall a few feet over. With no other choice, I went inside.



Killin' rats! Gettin' a bow and arrows and a shield! Movin' on up!



Oh, and this stupid lockpicking minigame. I hate this minigame. I HATE IT.



Being over-encumbered sucks dicks. Now, one of the things I remembered from the last time I played through was that you lose any Blades armor you pick up before you go out into the world, so I dropped all of my fancy armor and put one some ghetto normal-people armor. It's not the Emperor's bodyguard get-up, that's for sure, but it'll stop a rat.




Evidently the royal city also has a subterranean zombie infestation as well as a rodent problem. Luckily, the RAT killed the zombie before it even noticed me. I think that says something about the population of the city, but I'm dressed in clothes stolen from dead men, so I don't really have room to talk.



YES.



Oh boy this looks inviting. Good thing I'm drunk now.



GOBLINS. FUCK.




Good thing the goblins are even weaker than the rats. What the fuck are these people flushing down their sewers?! Also, S.W.A.T.Y.'s mother makes a guest appearance as some sort of surprisingly killable shaman thing.



After killing about thirty more of the little bastards, I come across another hole in the wall, leading out to where my good buddies the Village People are wandering about. Obviously none of them brought a fucking map. We're ambushed right after I show up and the Blades are ready to cut me a new asshole, but the Emperor is all 'WAIT. WE SHARED A NIGHT OF PASSION AND I KNOW HE WOULD NEVER BETRAY ME.' Or something to that effect.





And then I get to pick what constellation I was born under? Being a RIP AND TEAR kind of guy, the choice was obvious.



Yeah buddy, I've got faith in you too.



Nice bunch, these guys.



YOU ARE RED! THAT MEANS YOU HAVE RED GUTS! HACK AND SLASH! HACK AND SLASH YOUR GUTS!



WOO HERE COMES THE NIGHT TRAIN!







The Blades split off to deal with a fuckhuge wave of the bastards while I stay back to protect the Emperor, who figures that now is a GREAT time to die but not before giving me some sort of jewel thing that I'm supposed to take to some fuck named Jauffre at Weynan Priory because he knows WHERE THE EMPEROR'S LAST SON WHO HE NEVER TOLD ANYONE ABOUT is living. But some douche appears and kills off the old man before he can explain what the fuck is going on.




Baurus says some unimportant shit and gets surprised that the Emperor told me a secret he didn't know.





During his maddening shpeal, I pick 'Knight' as my profession, as while playing a Warrior is fun, it tends to be pretty stupid and almost fucking impossible to communicate with anyone without bribing them exorbitant amounts of money.



Yeah, sure, whatever, just get me the fuck out of these dank tunnels.



OH FUN. FROM UNDERGROUND TUNNELS TO THE SEWERS. FUCK YEAH. AND HE TOOK MY SWORD. FUCK.



SO ANGRY, PUNCHING RATS TO DEATH. I WANT MY SWORD BACK.



Evidently, holding your hands up boxing-style will stop a rat's teeth. Hey buddy, I don't make this shit up.



I get to the door about the same time I realize I've had a short sword in my inventory the whole time. Whoops.



Ah, fresh air. Now which way is the closest bar...

clap clap clap, I lol'ed myself

When last we left our hero Facepunch McKickdick, he had just escaped from jail and was on an epic quest...to get hammered.

Well, this doesn't look like a place where they don't clean their floors, so I'm guessing a seedy bar is the farthest thing from being close to me.



However, I figure now might be a good time to repair my gear and get some rags that don't smell like dead things.



I pick up some heavy threads from Afro Thunder here, then head off to find a suitable hacker so I can get to hackin' and whackin' and smackin'.



Oddly enough, this guy wouldn't sell me ANYTHING until I gave him phone number and said it'd be okay if he 'called me.' What the fuck ever, this is fucking medieval times, it's not like I have a cell phone to give BIG AXE-obsessed Orcs booty calls from. Right?



Mmmm, that's a nice, long, polished sword right there...



So I head off aimlessly, searching for sweet, sweet alcohol, and see this:



Now, as a descendant of Facekick McDickpunch, there's only one thing (well, two things, really) that Facepunch McKickdick likes more than drinking, and that's fighting. So it looks like we're off to the arena to work off that post-jail-time stress since there aren't any hookers or drunk co-eds around.



Bethesda's face-generation technology never ceases to amaze me for all the wrong reasons.



Squarechin McPansyface directs me downstairs to the 'Bloodworks' (OOOOH I'M SO SCARED), to the Blademaster, who will set me up with fights while ridiculing me at first but gradually developing a fatherly relationship to be portrayed at a later date by a famous, dying actor.



James Earl Jones it is, then.




So he goes over the rules (KILL EVERYTHING, LOOT THE BODIES AND DIE), then hands me an incredibly, INCREDIBLY ugly raiment to wear along with my retarded-looking helmet.



Jesus Fucking Christ.



Cue Gladiator soundtrack.



Suddenly, I am painfully reminded that there's quite a difference in threat level between going up against a sewer rat and going up against...whatever the fuck that guy is supposed to be.



Oh wait, it's a girl? HA HA oh wow. Bitch almost killed me goddamn.



Does this mean I get a victory hug?



I guess not.




By the second round, I've gotten back into the swing of Oblivion's half-brilliant, half-retarded melee combat system, and my foe goes down like...something that goes down really fast.



Downright determined.



While looking for a quicker sword amongst the various cabinets, I happened upon this bow; one of the first of many mods I've had installed. Holy fuck look at that thing jesus god. I'm taking it into the next fight with me, just for shits and giggles.




It doesn't do as much damage as it looks like it should, but part of that is probably because I'm using ass-awful arrows. A Smith & Wesson won't do you much good if all you've got loaded in it are peas.



Evidently, the wash basin in the Bloodworks that heals me completely doesn't do anything about THE FIVE FUCK ARROWS STICKING OUT OF ME GOD DAMN.



Oh, and I got promoted. Whee.



As opposed to a brawl of the battlers, which just sounds ridiculously gay. And not in the homosexual way.



This guy went down after about three hits. I made sure my displeasure was known. And yes, I realize teabags probably hadn't been invented yet. Blow me.




Blah blah blah wood elves blah blah twins blah blah TWINS?! Too bad this is a Bethesda game and not a Cinemax flick, or this could get interesting for a bit.




The melee one more or less ran right into my sword, and once I cornered the ranged sister, it was all over but the 'WHAP WHAP WHAP' of my sword against her flesh...DON'T JUDGE ME.



A furry, huh? Shouldn't be too hard.



FUUUUCK look at my health. That pussy packed a punch.



Well, it was getting late, so I decided to head out and find somewhere to rest up for the night. As you'll notice, I had gained a level, so sleeping was not only a luxury but a necessity.



Ordinarily I'd have headed to the Bloated Float just because, but I was pretty exhausted. Spend all damn day getting smacked around in an ugly suit and you'll see why I picked 'bed without lice OR an assassin in it' over 'at 2 am, a Skooma whore of questionable age tripping on her seventh hit today slips into my bed looking for a bit of fun.'




Tiber Septim was the closest, so that's where I ended up. Besides, I figured I'd pay a bit of respect to the man who busted my scaly ass out of jail, then tasked me with saving Cyrodil like I was the UPS Man of Fucking Apocalypses.



Cushy. And the hotel ain't too bad either.





AAAAHAHAAH I'm never going back to jail.



A bit of...erm...whatever that stuff is, and then bed.



If I ever slept this long in real life, I'd be shot.

I NEED MORE